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20 Divorce Mediation Do’s & Don’ts for Successful Sessions
20 Divorce Mediation Dos & Don’ts
You have probably heard divorce mediation is less expensive and quicker than a litigated divorce, and this is true. Did you know divorce mediation also empowers you both to make decisions for your family going forward, rather than leaving those decisions up to a judge? That said, there are things you should and should not do during divorce mediation to ensure a smooth process and that the resolutions you come are in your, your spouse’s, and your family’s best interests.
If you follow the “dos” and “don’ts” set forth in this article by the experienced Philadelphia divorce mediators at Peaceful Separation and Divorce, divorce mediation is a powerful tool to help your family take control of their divorce with the help of a neutral third-party and move forward with their lives.
If you and your spouse are considering using mediation over divorce litigation to settle the issues arising from your divorce, whether they are child custody arrangements, child support, spousal support, or property distribution, or any or all of these, call the divorce mediators at Peaceful Separation and Divorce for help.
Family law mediation is a peaceful, respectful process, when it is conducted properly. When a party to a mediation contacts me, and suggests that they believe they wish to engage in mediation, I conduct a concise interview with the person who contacted me to assess whether that person, as well as the other person in the whole process, will likely be successful mediation participants. Once that assessment is complete and it appears as though both parties are positive candidates for mediation, we next discuss the concepts below to introduce mediation to the parties; those are as follows:
Divorce Mediation “Dos”
Here are ten tips to keep in mind before your first divorce mediation session to help them proceed smoothly and effectively, saving you and your spouse time, money, and aggravation.
1. Start Mediation with the Ideal Goal of Preventing Litigation
The purpose of divorce mediation is to take control of solutions to the issues arising from divorce, rather than letting a judge decide for you. You and your spouse should commit to the idea of preventing costly and drawn-out litigation by working with your divorce mediator and collaborating on those solutions.
2. Make a List of Major Assets & Expenses
Before engaging in divorce mediation, make a list of marital assets and your expenses. Your mediator provides you with a divorce mediation checklist, however, getting started gathering the financial documents and information you need puts you in a better position to think about the outcome you want.
3. Schedule a Time You Can Fully Commit To
Do not schedule divorce mediation sessions for times when you are unsure you will be available. Factors that affect your availability may include:
- Overtime or being on call for work
- Availability of child care
- Availability of transportation
- Other conflicts (doctor’s appointments, etc.)
Schedule your divorce mediation sessions for times when you are certain you can attend. If you miss a session, you may be responsible for paying for it anyway if the terms of your mediation agreement so provide.
4. Voice Your Concerns & Desires
Your divorce mediator gives you the time to voice your concerns and desires, and you must feel free to do so to have those factor into negotiations between you and your spouse. Stick to the topic your mediator is discussing so you and your spouse focus on the issues arising from your divorce one at a time.
5. Be Reasonable
Remember, divorce mediation is guided negotiation and collaboration. If you or your spouse make unreasonable demands or refuse to budge on an issue that can be negotiated, you will not find common ground and mediation will not succeed. Let your mediator help you find middle ground between your position and your spouse’s position. Considering their experience, they may suggest acceptable solutions neither you or your spouse may have thought of!
6. Take Breaks
Your divorce mediator will give you periodic breaks if you feel you need one. Your marriage is ending and you are discussing sensitive topics that affect your life and the lives of your children going forward – of course intense emotions may arise. Your divorce mediator understands and is prepared to give you the break you need. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for a break when you need one, rather, it is very important for you to get the time you need to regain your composure and collect yourself so you can calmly reengage in the divorce mediation process.
7. Consult Your Own Your Divorce Lawyer
If you reach a solution through mediation you feel unsure of, rather than agreeing to it, reach out to a divorce lawyer to review it. This way you will be sure your rights are being honored and protected and you are not agreeing to a solution just for agreement’s sake.
8. Schedule Additional Sessions as Needed
It is impossible to predict the number of sessions you will need to resolve your various issues. If you need an additional session to work out the last details, don’t be afraid to suggest it.
9. Be Totally Transparent Regarding Your Issues, Foibles, & Good Points
People are generally not good candidates for mediation if they have been secretive or non-communicative with a party during a relationship. All relevant information regarding finances, each party’s backgrounds and whatever other information that is requested by the mediator and a party, must be provided. Failure to provide necessary and relevant information during the process is not tolerated during mediation. If you are a party to a custody mediation and you have a criminal conviction in your past that you have never disclosed, this must be disclosed in the process. Drug or alcohol issues as well as violence issues must likewise be disclosed. Full transparency is the “do” in mediation.
10. Expect to Save Money by Mediating & Expect to be Divorced Faster Than if You
Went to Court to Litigate Your Matter
Successful mediations can be completed in three to six months, at a fraction of the cost of going to court. On the other hand, litigated divorces can take over one year, and sometimes much more time. The expenditure is several multiples of a mediated divorce or custody matter.
The “Don’ts:” What Not To Do in Divorce Mediation
There are ten things you must avoid if you want divorce mediation to be effective including what not to say in divorce mediation and other acts that could harm the negotiation process.
1. Begin with a Closed Mind
Enter into divorce mediation with a collaborative mindset. Of course you have an idea of how to resolve the issues arising from the divorce process, but you must allow the divorce mediator to help you and your spouse discover a negotiated solution that may work even better than the solution you came into mediation with. Three heads may be better than one!
2. Decide Asset Division Ahead of Time
This relates to keeping an open mind, but is more specific. Be careful not to become too attached to your idea of how you divide your marital assets. Why? Because, again, a negotiated property settlement agreement may be more advantageous for everyone involved than any property division you’ve considered.
Here’s how: your divorce mediator asks you both for a list of assets and expenses and calculates the tax consequences of dividing certain assets such as pensions, stock options, and family-owned businesses, perhaps with the help of a tax attorney or forensic accountant. You may be surprised at the creative options available for dividing marital assets and minimizing tax consequences.
3. Ignore Your Spouse’s Concerns
Divorce mediation is guided negotiation and collaboration between you and your spouse. This means just as you want your concerns to be heard and considered, your spouse wants their concerns to be heard and considered. Divorce mediation is a give-and-take negotiation process with equally invested parties whose goal is to reach solutions between themselves. Bear this in mind as your spouse is voicing their concerns.
4. Try to “Get One Over” Your Spouse
This is common among spouses who are still experiencing anger or resentment over the reasons for their divorce, despite their desire to use divorce mediation to avoid the expense, time, and rancor of litigation.
Someone trying to “get one over” on their spouse will refuse to negotiate over an asset they know is important to their spouse, or refuse to negotiate a child custody calendar that respects their spouse’s religious holidays or irregular work schedule, for example. Be advised this recalcitrance not only ends negotiations on that particular sticking point, but creates an atmosphere of frustration, which is not conducive to negotiated, collaborative settlement of issues.
5. Argue with Your Spouse
Arguing directly with your spouse during mediation is inappropriate at best, and deathly to the possibility of a negotiated settlement at worst. Allow your divorce mediator to guide the session. Typically only one party speaks at a time and at the direction of the divorce mediator. If things get heated, the divorce mediator knows when to break or to speak with one party individually.
If you are still angry or resentful over the cause of your divorce, divorce mediation sessions are not the venue to vent them. Engage in counseling or discuss with friends, but do not compromise the outcome of your divorce mediation sessions with your anger.
6. Ignore Your Own Needs
Do not fail to voice your needs during mediation just to craft a divorce agreement and move on. Use the expertise and experience of your divorce mediator to help you and your spouse find a solution that works for everyone.
7. Attempt Mediation If There’s a History of Abuse
If there is as history of verbal, physical, or sexual abuse in your family, divorce mediation is not appropriate. Why? Because there is already a power imbalance, and negotiating with an abuser may cause the victim further trauma.
8. Skip Your Session(s)
If you skip divorce mediation sessions, you may still have to pay for them. Worse, you sow mistrust in your spouse, because if you are unwilling to appear as promised and work on your issues, you hurt the process. If you intend for divorce mediation to be a success, you must invest your time and energy into it. Should a conflict arise with a scheduled session, be sure to advise your divorce mediator and your spouse well in advance and reschedule.
9. Expect your mediator to tell you what is best for you.
As a mediator, I am neutral. I don’t provide advice to you on how you can reach your goal. I don’t tell you what you should or should not request or seek. I help you both find common ground and move you towards your goal. Sometimes, a party or both parties will engage their own family lawyers in the process, to bounce ideas off of during the process or seek guidance on what is customary or possible in a mediated process. There is no requirement that parties have a family law attorney and the lawyers don’t come “in the room” during the mediation. They are a sounding board for a party.
10. Expect Your Partner in Mediation to Move as Fast as You Do in the Process
It is very common in mediation for one party to decide issues faster than the other party. Getting frustrated with the pace of mediation is common for one of the parties, or, one party may feel “rushed” by the pace the other party decides issues. Both parties need to realize that we are dealing with two decision-makers in mediation. Respect and understanding are critical components of a successful mediation.
On the other hand, you may decide things slower in the process; that must be respected too.
Successful Mediation Begins with Identifying the Goals of the Parties
My job as an independent mediator is to begin the process by identifying the goals of each party. Mediation is a goals-oriented process, not a results driven process. The question remains, throughout the mediation, how do we reach each party’s goals? Initially, the question is not, in a custody case, what is the weekly schedule. Rather, it is how do we reach the goal of equal custody (if that is the mutual goal). Let the schedule result in reaching the goal.
Find a Divorce Mediator in Pennsylvania
If you are considering divorce mediation, call the Philadelphia divorce mediators at Peaceful Separation for help. We have over 40 years of experience helping Pennsylvania families get through their divorces. We look forward to helping you too. Call the divorce mediators at Peaceful Separation & Divorce today.
For the proper parties, mediation can work very well, will be far less expensive and much
quicker than a litigated process. Contact us to discuss this further.
6 COMMENTS
Iris Smith
November 15, 2022, 1:58 am REPLYThank you for advising that you should compile a list of your costs and marital assets before starting divorce mediation. My friend and her husband are divorcing. I’ll advise her to obtain a list of her marital assets before beginning the divorce mediation.
Amy Saunders
December 2, 2022, 8:01 am REPLYHello there. This article surely reminds me of my ex-colleague who’s considering getting a divorce from her husband this winter. I appreciate your explanation regarding how we should plan a mediation session when we’re completely available to prevent additional charges in some cases. I hope she reads this article straight away so she’ll know what kind of mediator to hire eventually.
Braden Bills
December 8, 2022, 2:01 pm REPLYMy friend wants to get a divorce with his wife, but he doesn’t want there to be any bad blood. It makes sense that he might want to look into divorce mediation to ensure that they can do that effectively. That way, he wouldn’t have to worry about litigation as much.
Lily Bridgers
February 24, 2023, 11:44 am REPLYI appreciate your warning us that arguing with your husband directly during mediation is, at best, improper and, at worst, fatal to the prospect of a negotiated resolution. Without a doubt, my sister will find this information helpful as she looks to dissolve her eight-year marriage without going bankrupt. I’ll tell her to take your recommendations into account as she wants to engage a divorce mediation service this week after she serves her now-husband the divorce papers.
Elle Jones
March 14, 2023, 1:05 pm REPLYGood day. This article makes me think of my former colleague, who is thinking about divorcing her husband this winter. I appreciate your explanation of how we should schedule a mediation session when we are all free to avoid potential additional fees. I’m hoping she reads this piece as soon as possible so she’ll know what kind of mediator to select later.